Forbidden (Addicted to You Book 2) Read online

  “Scratch that idea,” he stepped back, giving me a little bit of breathing room. I saw the wicked grin play at the corner of his lips and I prayed he wouldn’t say it. Surely not. “You could always….”

  “Don’t fucking do that Kev,” I ordered before he could finish. Of course he would. He was Kevin.

  “Okay, okay,” he held his hands up in surrender. “Was just an idea.”

  “That’s the last damned thing I need in my life,” I pushed the thought out of my head, not wanting the temptation to linger. I hated when he did that shit to me. If there was anything that ever made me want to walk the fuck away from him— it was that.

  “Ya love her,” Kevin announced as if it were breaking news or even something he’d never thought of. He knew I did. He’d known it. I’d fucking told him. But again, he was Kevin. Until he was ready to hear or see something— it didn’t exist.

  “I’ve loved her since the day I met her,” my shoulders hunched over and I tried to think of what I could do. Everything felt empty and hopeless.

  I couldn’t imagine Avery not being there. Anytime I’d ever needed her, she was there. Easy to get to. Easy to go back to. Yet, I was standing outside her apartment— our apartment— and she wasn’t there. Was that how it was going to be? Avery gone? Would she move on and I’d never see her again? The thought was more than I could stomach.

  “I can’t live in a world where Avery doesn’t exist,” I admitted to Kevin, and if I were honest, to myself. “I just…she’s gone.”

  My hand no longer felt strong enough to hold me up. Both knees began to shake and for a moment I was sure that I’d collapse there in the parking lot.

  “Why the fuck you keep leaving?” That was all it took. The anger took over and I regained my composure. Kevin was determined to be the one that pushed me over the proverbial edge. Kicking me when I was down wasn’t a very good idea on his part. “If you can’t live without her, why don’t you fuckin’ stay with her?”

  “You damn well know the answer to that Kev,” I shook my head and began to pace the sidewalk beside us in an effort to prevent punching my brother. “You of all people know the fucking answer.”

  “How long ya gonna hold that inside? How much ya gonna give up before ya forgive yourself bro?” I knew he was right, but his words were making me angry. “Eventually she’s gonna stop takin’ ya back.”

  That was the point where I turned— glaring at my brother. He took a step back, hands in the air to remind me he was innocent and was just talking.

  “I don’t think you have any room to be judging me over there Kevin,” My voice was tight, controlled, and angry. “Maybe you should feel remorse for your decisions once in a while.”

  “Maybe you should realize if Jamie were still around, Avery wouldn’t be,” He turned and walked back to the driver’s side. “I wasn’t judging you. I was trying to help. But I forgot that the great Spencer Phillips doesn’t need any help.” He gave up and turned away from me, getting in the car and shutting the door.

  Every so often Kevin said something of value. Occasionally he was even right. Not often, but sometimes. This was one of those times. If I’d never fucked things up with Jamie she’d still be there. If I’d done things right, she’d have never left. And I wouldn’t have met Avery. I’d never have known her. I’d never have loved her. More importantly, she’d have never loved me. That was a concept I didn’t want to think about.

  I’d loved Jamie. I’d loved her madly and deeply. I’d wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. It had destroyed me when she left. I’d always thought that. But maybe I was wrong? What if it had actually helped me. I was destroying my life before that. I had been making the wrong choices. In some ways I still was, but I’d improved a lot thanks to Jamie. Partially thanks to her leaving.

  But Avery….she was something else. I didn’t want to be with her. I wanted to walk away and let her live her life. I wanted to stop it. I wanted to change it. Not because there was anything wrong with her. I didn’t want her to have to endure me and all of my baggage. I was trying to protect her.

  I couldn’t. I had to be with her. It wasn’t a want. It was a need. There was something about her, had always been something about her, that I couldn’t live without. Not for very long. Even though I wanted to. Even though I kept trying to.

  Sure, I’d go back and really plan to make it work. Mainly because the misery without her was far worse than the fear with her. But every damned time something would happen. Things would be okay and then suddenly something would upset me. It’d make me think. I’d have to face the consequences. I’d have to face what could happen. And I’d leave.

  Everything I’d ever done had always been about her. She just never realized that. There were things in the world I didn’t want Avery to understand. Things I didn’t want her to see. Including the broken pieces of my soul.

  Avery knew about Jamie. She didn’t know details. She had thought for the longest time that Jamie had fucked me over. And she did. Jamie and Jason left me broken. Damaged. Trusting no one. I wouldn’t pretend when it came to that. The two people I’d trusted the most had done the most harm.

  Granted, Jamie only fucked me over because I’d hurt her one too many times. I’d explained that to Avery once. She couldn’t understand. Not many could. Which is why Kevin always pissed me off when he brought her up. If anyone could understand why I was the way I was now, it was him. Jesus Christ. But this time he was right. If I hadn’t have fucked it all up, then Avery would have never walked into my life. The thought of that was worse than anything Jamie had done.

  “Sorry man,” slinging open the car door I offered the best apology I could muster. He was still a pain in my ass, but he was my brother and he hadn’t deserved to be snapped at when he was trying to help. We were supposed to stick together. We were all we had. “You think I don’t know she’s going to give up?”

  “All good,” he said casually, his only way of being personal anymore. “And stop being a fuckin’ idiot man.”

  That was my biggest problem with my brother. He didn’t have emotion left. He snorted it all away. Sure, he was happy. But nothing fucking mattered to him. Not really. He was either happy, angry, or sleeping. But none of it was real. It was forced. Faked. Brought on by chemicals.

  “I don’t know what the fuck to do,” I felt like I was wasting my time. I felt like chasing Avery was a lost cause. “She’s down at the beach living it up and I’m here hunting her down.”

  “Huntin huh? Remember when Dee sent us off huntin’ with Uncle Bill?”

  “What does that have to do with anything Kev?” his timing on conversations sucked ass.

  “You sucked at it, remember?”

  “Yeah, so?”

  “So, what’d Bill teach ya?” he asked with a grin on his face.

  “Don’t yell?” I was confused.

  “No, I meant ‘bout huntin’” he shook his head. “It’s not about finding your prey. It’s about waitin’ until they find you.”

  “I don’t get it Kev,” I admitted. “Are you saying I have to wait?” the idea didn’t appeal to me. Waiting could mean a lot of things.

  Avery could decide she didn’t want me. She could meet someone and realize that I was nothing more than a fucked up guy who had commitment issues. She could be with him at that moment. Someone else could be touching her, kissing her, seeing that look of love in her eyes. The thought drove me insane.

  “If she loves ya man,” he continued. “She’s havin the same problems you are.”

  “What if I’ve pushed her to the point where that love is gone? What if she hates me now?”

  “Ya know bro,” Kev looked at me. “With any other girl, I’d think maybe. But that girl— for whatever reason she has— she loves you.”

  “So she’ll come to me?” I asked him, not sure I believed it. More than anything I wondered what the hell had happened to my life that made me ask my narcissistic brother for relationship advice.

  “That
’s the plan,” he shrugged. “At the very least she’ll come back to Illinois which’ll make it a helluva lot easier to get to her.”

  “True,” I had to admit he made sense. I couldn’t do a damn thing about it with her in South Carolina. Why’d she have to go on this trip when things were like this? “But I’m not a very patient person.”

  “You got another idea?”

  I thought for a few minutes. Reality was that going to her would never work. I didn’t know where she was staying, how long she was going to be there or how in the hell I’d find her. It’d be a gigantic waste of money and time. But I hated thinking I had to just sit and wait. Now that I knew I wanted her back, I didn’t want to give up a minute with her.

  “No,” I confessed. I had nothing.

  “Then let’s head back,” he started the car. “You can sulk and I can…”

  “I don’t even need to know,” I shut his words off. Some things were best not talked about.

  Kevin pulled onto the road back towards his dingy apartment without even looking, causing him to cut off two cabs and almost hit a pedestrian. I closed my eyes hoping that we’d even make it home. It was a bad idea to have him drive me. I knew that when I did it. He’d never been a good driver. Even when he was sober. It was one of the few things from that far back that I could remember.

  “So what was it about little miss Avery that made ya love her?” he asked randomly, causing me to open my eyes. I didn’t want to talk. Nothing in me wanted to have a conversation. I was stuck in the thoughts that were streaming through my head. Avery on the beach. Her smile. Guys watching her. One taking her out. Someone mending her broken heart. Avery giving up. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. But Kevin never showed an interest in life, and frankly remembering the good about her might be helpful.

  “Well,” I sat up and looked at him, feeling happy for that moment. “It started the day I first saw her. Trevor had drug me to a BBQ party at some chick’s house he’d met at the fucking grocery store. I did not want to be there. But you know Trev,” I laughed.

  “I know you and your inability to say hell no,” he retorted, making me smile. “So what happened then?”

  “I looked over at her,” I began, hoping telling him the story would make me forget about the time I’d have to spend alone, the fear that someone else would take her away from me, or the fact he was about to kill me on the road. “And somehow I just had to get to know her. So I asked to borrow a lighter.”

  “A lighter? Seriously, bro? Lame!” he held his fingers in an L up against his forehead.

  “Hands on the wheel!” I insisted. “This is my story. I’ll tell it. You drive.”

  “Do continue,” He faked a British accent and I shook my head, truly laughing for the first time that day. “What happened next?”

  Chapter 2

  We went for a walk. Seems kind of simple now, but at the time it was huge. I mean when was the last time I’d had interest in anyone? I really didn’t think it was interest at the time. More like intrigue. I was intrigued by Avery.

  Sweat dripped from my hand as we walked along the sidewalk, causing me to clench my hands into fists so she didn’t notice. Neither of us spoke for a long time after leaving the party. I wanted to say something, but I wasn’t sure what. I just walked silently, contemplating how to break the silence. I had never been tongue tied before. I didn’t know how to handle it.

  She didn’t seem like the type you’d compliment or say cheesy things to. She seemed too…real. I don’t know. Like she required something honest. I couldn’t be honest. That’d mean I told her that my hands were sweaty and I didn’t know what to say to her and I was nervous for the first time in my life. No way could I do that. So I stayed quiet, making things even more awkward.

  The silence between us enhanced the sound of passing cars on a nearby street. I could even hear a train in the distance rattling along the tracks. None of it pounded against my ears as loudly as my own heartbeat. Trying to catch a glimpse at her without her noticing was difficult. She was very in tune with what was going on around her— turning her head at movement and sound. So I would watch her from the corner of my eye, hoping she didn’t catch me. Nothing seemed weirder than the quiet guy staring at you— I didn’t want that to be her impression— so I hid it from her.

  Silently, I asked myself a lot of questions. What had drawn my attention to this girl? Why had I walked over and talked to her? What happened to avoiding women? Was there a reason I’d asked her to go on a walk? Why in the hell was I thinking of how to ask her out? What was wrong with me?

  Mostly I asked myself, why was I so fucking nervous?

  I didn’t find any of the answers lurking in my brain. Instead I tried to avoid thinking on them too long. Especially the nerves. I’d been around girls before. Shit, I’d been with plenty of ‘em. Not that it was something to brag about. Most weren’t worth the time I’d spent with ‘em. But something about that moment— that girl— made me nervous.

  It didn’t make any sense. I hadn’t been interested in girls since…for a while. When I woke up that day I didn’t even have any interest in the damn party, let alone any women there. I couldn’t understand when and where that changed. Sometime around when I saw her— sitting across the lawn next to some blonde— and my breath caught in my throat. Something about her…I just had to walk over. Which led to this walk— a walk that was making me forget that I didn’t want any part of this, any part of her.

  “So why the walk?” It wasn’t totally unexpected that she was the one that broke the silence. She didn’t seem to be one of those complicated girls that would wait so that it happened the way it was supposed to. I was grateful. It stopped my thought process and prevented me from continuing to think about things I didn’t really want to consider. “ Better question— why me?”

  The words startled me. Not the first question. I mean obviously it seemed odd that I’d pushed her into a walk and then just never even spoke. The second question though— it surprised me. Why her? What was that supposed to mean? This was why men found women confusing. Because they fucking were.

  I didn’t want to answer the first question and didn’t know how to answer the second. I was at a loss. Finally, I shrugged and went with a casual and obvious answer. One that wouldn’t scare away a girl I didn’t know.

  “It’s a nice day,” I smiled in her direction, hoping she didn’t see the sweat on my forehead and think I was a little creepy. “Why not?”

  “Why did you ask me?” I watched her face scrunch up in concentration. She was thinking hard about her question— probably forming her own conclusions before I had a chance to answer. We were standing on the sidewalk, looking uncomfortable to be there, and all I could do was thinking how cute she looked with that face. Then I thought of how stupid I was to notice that more than anything else.

  “What ya mean?” her facial expression didn’t change and I wasn’t sure she heard me. “Why not ask you?”

  “Why not ask Colby?” she looked up at me. “Or one of the others.”

  For a moment I was silent. I stood there trying to make sense of what the hell we were talking about. I felt like I’d jumped into the middle of a conversation I didn’t belong in. She seemed to know exactly what the topic was, but I was lost.

  “Who’s Colby?” I watched the surprise fill her eyes as if I should have automatically known who the hell she was talking about. Briefly I wondered if she was slightly unbalanced.

  “The model that was sitting beside me,” she raised her eyebrows as she said the words, almost daring me to not remember.

  Finally it made sense. Her friend. The blond. She clearly thought of her very highly, almost elevated her. I wasn’t sure why that bothered me, but it did. I mean, yea the girl was pretty. But she wasn’t spectacular. At least not in my eyes.

  “She’s a model?” It wouldn’t have been a shock to me. She had the look and attitude of a model. Or at the very least, a bitchy female that knew she could be.

 
“No,” she laughed. “But she should be. She’s almost perfect.”

  Her voice trailed off just a little bit. Almost like she was envious or something. I couldn’t see why. Her friend wasn’t the one that made me nervous. Her friend was a dime a dozen.

  “I guess,” I shrugged, hoping to show her that her friend wasn’t as great as she thought. She looked like every other pretty blond girl I’d ever met. They were everywhere. I’d have bet money she acted like them too. They all did.

  “I just don’t get it,” she bit her lip again. “Why’d ya ask me?”

  “Why wouldn’t I ask you?” my question seemed far more reasonable than hers, but she didn’t seem to have an answer. She thought about it a minute longer than most people would. I watched her eyes, appearing to be scanning her brain for exactly what to say, and I wondered why the idea of me asking her seemed so far fetched..